


hospitals and coffee shops

by sunshinsou



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Development, Coffee, Coffee Shops, Denial of Feelings, Emotions, Feelings, Hospitals, Hurt Mo Guan Shan, M/M, Mo's POV - Freeform, Mo's mom is sick, Sort of? - Freeform, Sweet He Tian, Tags Are Hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27576791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinsou/pseuds/sunshinsou
Summary: He Tian left almost a decade ago. How dare he just stumble back into Mo's life like this?
Relationships: He Tian & Mo Guanshan (19 Days), He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 192





	hospitals and coffee shops

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ryarcadia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryarcadia/gifts).



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY RILEY ILY. Sorry if this kinda sucks, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway!!
> 
> Edit: Today chapter 342 came out, and I don't support what is happening with Tianshan in any way. He tian is clearly going too far and I want to note that this fic was written before any of that. I don't stand for or support this chapter, and I'm seriously thinking about dropping the series as a whole, especially with how so many people in the fandom romanticize what happened.

It’s been years. He doesn‘t know how many. He stopped counting when the date hit half a decade. It might have been another two years, maybe three. At this point, Mo doesn’t even know what He Tian would look like anymore. He’s sure that the guy wouldn’t recognize him if they met randomly in the street. Not only does he look older, he’s grown, worked out, built strength. He buzzed his hair twice, but by now it had grown back out to a point where it was long enough to be put in a bun. He needed to get it cut again. Maybe some other day.

Life had changed after he left. Life was different. At first, it was easier, but soon enough it hit him. He didn’t have any other friends. God, calling him a friend felt wrong, but it was true. It didn’t take long after his disappearance for Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi to go back to what they had always been doing. Maybe they were a little more involved with each other than previously, but he hadn’t known that at the time. He hadn’t known that someone else he knew was lucky enough – or maybe cursed enough – to fall in love with their best friend. He only found out when the rest of the school did, a week before they were about to graduate.

Lucky for them, it was shrugged off as rumors, and they weren’t expelled immediately. Just the possibility made him shiver though.

And that’s when he knew it, when he realized it. He Tian had done him a favor by just leaving. He spared him from being exposed to the world like this. And then Mo was thankful to himself. He was grateful that he never trusted easily, that he never let himself fall for whatever He Tian’s game was. Or well, he needed to believe he never fell for it at least.

If he had, the situation would have crushed him. Like this, he told himself it was fine. He Tian never mattered to him anyway. He wasn’t in love with him, never had been. The attention had been unwanted. There had never been anything between them, nothing more than a strange power dynamic and not so empty threats.

He Tian had power over him, and he had used it shamelessly. It was wrong, he was manipulative.

Those thoughts had kept him sane this long. He is doing fine now. Time is passing by more quickly with every day, and by now all their time spent together was barely relevant anymore. He’s had girlfriends, and it always ended well. Maybe a bit too much focus on the ‘ended.’ He never managed to keep them for longer than a month or two.

Actually, it wasn’t just them. It had sort of become a general problem. He never managed to actually keep anyone in his life. The only person he is close to is his mother.

As fate wants it, she isn’t doing too well.

In fact, he’s visiting her in the hospital when he sees him.

It’s not the closest hospital to where they live. It’s almost two hours away, and Mo only has the chance to come ever so often, stay for a bit, then leave again. His mother needs to see some sort of specialist for her heart problem, and there’s only one guy who’s available for that in their area. They’re actually lucky he’s there at all. In the worst case, she could have been forced to move across the country for the right doctor.

Mo is picking up coffee from one of the many machines in the waiting room when he spots it. A pair of familiar grey eyes, focused right on him. It doesn’t even take him a second, before he’s sure he knows exactly who is staring at him. As soon as their eyes met, they part again and he’s left looking at a body, slumped forward.

Maybe He Tian hopes he didn’t recognize him just now, but that would be impossible. Unlike he thought before, it was still the exact same. The feeling he got when looking at him just now, that shiver running down his spine, something stirring in his stomach. He hadn’t forgotten him after all. He figures the other felt something similar.

He looks away. He’s not sure what to think, even less what to say. For a second too long, he stares at his coffee.

Then it occurs to him. The chances of He Tian purposefully ignoring him seem a lot higher than someone like him, who knows he always catches everyone’s attention, hoping he’d be the one who is ignored. It would make sense. After all, he hadn’t even bothered to leave some sort of message, give him some type of sign that he’s still alive. Not that Mo wanted one. He didn’t care.

Still, as he considers just walking away with his coffee to see if his mother’s check up was done, he notices something. Actually, he is pretty sure anyone could see it. Usually, He Tian is pretty good at hiding when he is hurting. Not now though. His eyes are red rimmed, he looks pale, and the most obvious one is that his head is almost in his lap.

And well, Mo isn’t necessarily nice, especially not to assholes, who left him alone like that. But Mo also isn’t rude, aloof, or indifferent to anyone and their emotions. So, he sighs and approaches, coffee in hand.

There’s a pause. He’s unsure if this is the right thing to do. They hadn’t talked in forever. They’re basically strangers right now.

But well, if that’s the case, he can do this. Strangers do random nice things for each other at hospitals, right?

When he’s close enough, he almost expects He Tian to look up at him as a reflex, but when he doesn’t, he takes initiative. He kicks his foot against the other’s, finally earning a glare.

Without a word, he hands him the coffee, then turns around and leaves.

He doesn’t mention the incident to his mother. He tries to forget about it, get his shit together. They hadn’t even exchanged a single word, so it wasn’t something to get hung up over.

* * *

It’s all he can think about for the next five days. That’s when he is visiting his mother again. It’s Saturday now, and he’s not sure if what he’s feeling is regret for not asking to catch up, or for not punching him in the gut about twenty times and leaving him all bloody and bruised.

He figures it’s the first option, considering he doesn’t really have any reason to be mad. They had never been true friends, truly cared about each other. Why else would He Tian have left him that easily? He’d accepted that fact a couple years ago.

Still, he missed his chance, and he’s not sure why nervousness overcomes him when he walks in through the main entrance. Just because the guy was here last time, doesn’t mean he’s always going to be here. Not everyone cares about their relatives enough to regularly visit anyway. Not everyone has the chance of visiting whoever was in the hospital twice either.

On that note, he can’t figure out why He Tian had been here. He doesn’t have anyone close to him. Or he never did.

That’s when it hits him, he doesn’t know him at all. Thinking about it, he only ever saw what He Tian wanted him to. He doesn’t know if there is some family he had never met. He doesn’t even know for sure what kind of relationship he had with his brother. All he knew was that the man had seemed buff and scary when they were still kids. Looking back at it, he probably is about the same size as him now.

These thoughts keep coming when he passes the halls. He doesn’t stop roaming the area with his eyes, looking for a familiar head of black hair. It’s pointless then, he realizes. He’s always had a hard time admitting to himself things he didn’t like. He told everyone he was fine, that he didn’t care about being left alone. But clearly, it wasn’t true.

He always sort of figured that if he believed it, his mind would convince itself and make it real.

But he was wrong. One look at He Tian, and he could feel it again. Everything he had been trying to suppress. Everything he wanted to protect himself from by acting cold and detached.

Vulnerability, loneliness, fear. Emotions Mo never wanted to admit he had. Feelings he just didn’t want, didn’t need.

They had always made it easy for him to hate He Tian. And in the end, he had made it even easier for him to ignore all of them, to pretend like others didn’t have that power over him, like they didn’t cause these feelings in him, like he never felt any of them in the first place. He Tian’s disappearance had been a gift. Now he was back, and there was that risk again. The risk that he wouldn’t be able to get rid of all these emotions, that he would break. It made him want to run.

Run away as fast as he can, just so he doesn’t have to go through it again. He doesn’t have to feel any of it again. That’s what he thinks, until he reaches his mothers room and she looks at him.

Hurt eyes meet his. Her gaze is soft and her expression twists into a more protective one. She doesn’t need to open her mouth for him to realize that he’s already lost. He’s back to it, incapable of escaping the hellhole of emotions he had been left with. No matter how badly he tries to get out of it, a single time of seeing He Tian is enough to make him slip and get buried with it. He feels like he is back to zero.

His mother had met He Tian once or twice back in the day. Actually, she had kept inviting him after that, so he started showing up regularly, and to no one’s surprise she had loved him. Mo hadn’t really tried to hide his annoyance with He Tian for the most part, not even when his mother was around. There were occasions, though, when he wasn’t entirely as mean as usually. It was in those happy moments, when they were sitting around the table, eating, and laughing. That little was enough for his mother to get the hint when he didn’t.

She was nice about it. She asked him multiple times if he cared about his friend, if he liked him. There was always a fit, denial, anger. But deep down, both of them knew he did. That’s why it wasn’t a surprise when she immediately figured out this was about him.

She couldn’t have known he saw him again, but she had told him once, that no matter who he breaks up with, he never seems as sad as back then.

It used to make him angry. The way she’d try to tell him that she knew better, that she could see he cared for him and had gotten hurt. He was fine, he told himself. But now? Now it makes him think.

It is easier to lie to himself, to her, to anyone who asks. But doubts are plaguing his mind. Maybe he isn’t as okay as he’d like to be. Maybe he actually wants to see He Tian again, instead of hiding.

Knowing that he probably can’t escape his feelings, maybe facing them head on would be a step in the right direction.

The thought makes him embarrassed for some reason. Knowing that he cann’t ignore all of this any longer, that his mother can still read him like an open book. Really, just thinking about how much power He Tian still has over him is sort of upsetting. Admitting that – even just in his head – is infinitely worse.

The way he always sneaks into his life, has to ruin things for him. Now he can’t even spend time with the only person he still cares about without having to think of him. Think about how he disappeared and hurt him. Think about wanting to see him again, which was probably the most infuriating part of it all. Agonize over whatever it was he needed to face, over how hard it would be to just keep going like he had done ever since he first left.

**_~~-~~ _ **

At his mother’s request, he leaves the room about five minutes later. He’s supposed to take a breather, get some fresh air, so she asked him to grab some magazines for her, and get coffee for himself on his way back.

He obeyed of course. Who was he not to follow her wishes when he had fucked up all his life, yet she still loved him?

Seeing him again though, that wasn’t part of his plan. For a moment, he wondered if it was hers.

This time, He Tian doesn’t look upset. In fact, he isn’t even at the hospital.

It’s when he is already down the street, right next to the coffee shop, that he sees him standing there, two cups in hand, as a strand of hair falls into his face.

He looks good, less upset. The years that have passed are written all over his face, in a good way. There’s something mature about his appearance, though Mo can hardly imagine that it transfers to his personality. He’s probably an even bigger dick now than back then.

His first instinct was to fight, then he thought about running, but eventually he just walked past him, right into the shop.

He can’t do it - actually face him, talk to him. It’s harder than he had expected it to be. And maybe that’s exactly when he realizes why, when he finally allows himself to feel, when he allows himself to think about why he feels this way.

His heart is hammering inside his chest. He wants to cry. Years of bottled up emotions, years of lies and abandon, all of it catching up to him at once.

Suddenly he regrets it. He wishes he talked to his mother, told her how much He Tian had meant to him, how tough it was without friends, even when he hadn’t wanted them in the first place.

Maybe she would have told him what he still wants to hear. That he deserves them, even if he doesn’t work for them. That he doesn’t have to keep pushing everyone away.

Instead, he has to face all of it now, because before he can brush past him, he feels a hand on his shoulder.

“Mo.”

He’s going to break. His head is spinning. Why, why did he come back, and why couldn’t Mo just do what he always did? Why did he have to be weak now, after all these years? He doesn’t want to face him head on after all. He can’t do it. It hurts, and he can’t handle any more of the pain.

Like the selfish asshole He Tian is, he doesn’t care though. He keeps holding onto him, and when someone else tries to enter the shop, he actually pulls him out of their way, into his arms.

Immediately, his walls are activated. He pushes him off, stumbling out of his grip.

“Get the fuck away from me. Doing one nice fucking thing for you doesn’t mean we’re friends. I don’t even know you anymore. Asshole,” he curses before he can stop himself.

He somewhat regrets the aggressive manner the words have left his mouth with, but he can’t help it. It’s hard to control something, when you were trying to ignore all of it just a couple minutes ago.

When he looks up, he’s surprised to see He Tian’s shoulders sag, a frown on his face. He looks like a kicked puppy, more hurt than Mo had ever seen him before. It could all be a lie of course, or maybe he was just upset Mo didn’t come crawling back to him.

“Can we talk?” The voice is soft when he speaks, and the word that follows comes out in an almost desperate hush. “Please?”

It’s nothing like what he used to do. If this was actually not genuine, and just a stupid way of trying to get him into his bed, He Tian had certainly upped his game.

For some reason, Mo doubts that though. He Tian seems different; he looks different from just a couple moments ago. In a way, there’s something defeated about him, like he’s fought for so long, and he doesn’t have any energy left to handle another rejection.

It seems stupid though. He’d been gone forever after all. Expecting a rejection made sense, even if someone is as overly confident as him.

“Little Mo?”

There it is again. It was really just a matter of time, but hearing it still snapped him out of his thoughts even faster than anything else could. In fact, it sort of makes him blush, and he curses his body for being so weak.

“Don’t call me that,” he sighs, finally moving to try and get away from him, into the shop.

Before he can even get a hand on the doorknob, He Tian’s voice is audible again. Actually, is it? He has to actively listen to hear it over the noise of the passing cars, and immediately hates himself for actually doing it.

“Sorry, Mo. Let me talk to you though. I got this for you,” he says as he holds out one of the cups, and it’s enough to stun Mo into silence, stop him in his tracks.

Who is this guy? It’s not the He Tian from back then, that’s for sure. The version of him he used to know would have resorted to threats, made a joke before trying to force him. Had he actually changed that much? It can’t be.

Still, curiosity gets the better of him. His pounding heart and his aching chest don’t exactly help with it. He’s too weak to fight, entirely lost in whatever jumbled mess his thoughts are right now, whatever this is.

And so, he takes the coffee from him. It earns him a smile from the dark-haired man, which makes him scowl immediately. He Tian had always been too attractive compared to how stupid he was. It was the only reason he always got his way, and he knew it, but apparently, he still doesn’t care.

“We could walk back to the hospital together?” He Tian offers, voice still soft, but his expression is more demanding already. It makes Mo a little angry.

“Shut up.” Then he starts walking back – not because the other suggested it, of course, but because that’s where he was headed anyway. He takes a sip of the drink, and contrary to what he expected, He Tian got it right. Honestly, it makes his blood boil even more. How dare he just come back like this, and get him exactly what he wanted, like he’d been here this whole time?

“That’s not how a conversation works, li- Mo,” He Tian grins, and apart from the slip up, it was almost the same as back in the day.

God, why were all these memories so enraging? He thought he might cry, be hurt, anything of that sort, but instead he found himself getting mad.

He’s mad about having been left behind, about the audacity to come back and expect him to care, about wanting to be heard out, wanting whatever it was that he was here for, but most of all? Most of all, he was upset about the way He Tian acted like everything was fine between them, like everything was fine with him.

And so, it slips past his lips. “Why are you so fucking stupid? Can you not take the hint?” Mo sighs. He could have sworn he saw He Tian’s eyes widen.

There’s silence for a moment, a moment too long in Mo’s opinion, but then He Tian stops walking entirely, and Mo spins around. Is he going to leave again? What is this? It’s all Mo’s mind is capable of producing, so his frown deepens.

He waits, but nothing happens. He Tian doesn’t open his mouth, doesn’t look at him. It’s the most unlike him he’s ever seen him. Then again, he hasn’t seen him in forever.

So, Mo does it for him. He continues. “You know what? Fuck you, He Tian. I never wanted you around anyway. You show up, then you leave without telling me. Years, almost a decade without a word, and you think I’ll just crawl back to you, beg for you to stay? I never asked for any of this. You’re as pathetic as you used to be.”

And the fear is gone. There’s no longer a volcano inside him, waiting to explode. It’s like all the heat faded away into nothing. For the first time in forever, he feels numb.

It must be obvious, because He Tian is standing there, arms reaching out to steady him. He hadn’t noticed until then, that he had almost tripped while taking a step back. He manages now though, so he instinctively backs away.

He Tian doesn’t let him though.

Still, nothing. He doesn’t feel disgust, fear, entertainment, or whatever else it was he knows he felt as a teen whenever they were close. Instead, he just sinks into the touch without any thoughts, any worry, anything.

The only thing he’s wondering is, why is He Tian hugging him?

**_~~-~~ _ **

It takes a moment for them to separate. By the time they do, He Tian’s eyes are red and puffy again, but he’s grinning.

“You didn’t change at all, you know, little Mo?” he says with a smirk.

All Mo can manage is an indifferent expression at first.

“Don’t call me that, chicken dick,” he then adds.

He Tian laughs again, and at this point Mo isn’t sure what exactly is happening, what he’s feeling, what he should be thinking. Why are they still here, instead of going their own ways and never seeing each other again? It almost seems wrong in a way, like neither of them really deserve it.

Finally, he’s let go of, but he can’t do much else other than stare at He Tian, who looks somewhat relieved… or something.

“You know, you’re kind of hot when you call me pathetic,” he states, like there isn’t still years of unresolved conflict between them.

“What the fuck?” was the only thing Mo manages, but it makes the other smile even more.

“I’m back for good, you know?” He Tian suddenly says, like it would mean anything.

“So what? You told me back then that I shouldn’t abandon you, then you did exactly that to me. Your words don’t mean shit,” Mo replies, stern and determined as he starts walking again.

“Wait. Wait.” And He Tian is walking next to him again. To Mo’s disdain he is still a little taller than him, so he has no trouble catching up.

“I wrote you notes.” A simple sentence that immediately makes him turn his head, and look at He Tian. It can’t be true.

Either way, it makes him feel again. It makes him confused, scared, annoyed. Does he actually think he can lie to him, and get away with it? There is no way he would have missed any type of communication. He kept checking for letters, tried calling him. There was never any response. Maybe he gave up after a year or so, but that would have been long enough to say something, anything. So, he decides it doesn’t make a difference anyway. He’s ready to move on.

“I wrote you a letter when I left. I asked my brother to give it to you. Then I wrote two more, even though I didn’t get a reply, you know?”

And it’s the frown on He Tian’s lips, the way he’s shifting from one foot to another now that they stopped again, that actually tells on him. He’s back to looking like he doesn’t know what to do, like confessing all of this is the only way to save the situation.

And maybe it is. In Mo’s mind, he’s still unsure, uncertain. He doesn’t know what to do with all these feelings, thoughts and emotions, these sudden revelations, this confession. It’s a miracle he’s still here, trying to deal with them instead of building higher walls around his heart and running away.

“I thought you were happy I left and ignored me on purpose, so I didn’t say anything else, but,” he sighs, “About a year and a half after I left, I found the letters in my brother’s room. He never delivered them so, you know. After that it felt sort of stupid to write to you, or try and text you,” he admits with a chuckle, and if Mo didn’t know any better, he’d think the guy is embarrassed, just as he is desperate.

He doesn’t know what to say when the guy grabs his hand again, brings it up to his lips and kisses it. When his eyes meet Mo’s and there’s something that tells him this isn’t a lie, even if he’d like it to be.

He pulls away again, “Fuck you,” he says, but there’s no real anger behind it. It’s mostly confusion, and he hates how obvious it must be to both of them.

“I don’t believe shit you say.”

“Okay.”

Mo’s brows furrow. This is too easy. He Tian doesn’t just give up like this. Or well, he didn’t use to. But maybe, just maybe he’s changed, for better or for worse–

“So, how about grabbing dinner with your mom next week? It’s on me, of course.”

“No,” is his immediate response, but he doesn’t get what he wants. Of course not, it’s how it’s always been.

“’l’ll pick you up at 6 next Tuesday. That works, right? Don’t worry, your mom is already making sure she can go, and if not, we’ll just visit her together,” he smiles softly. “I never wanted to leave. I’ll prove it to you. I’ll make you fall for me again.”

“Shut up, dammit! Did you seriously talk to my mom? You’re disgusting,” but there’s parts he doesn’t say. _I’m glad you’re back. Don’t leave me again. Otherwise I might have to hunt you down and kill you._ Okay, actually, that latter threat followed anyway.

* * *

Fucking He Tian.

It’s been six months since he entered Mo’s life again, and so far, he’s still here. Mo hasn’t decided if it’s a pain, or if he’s actually happy about it. The guy is still as pushy as ever, but it’s obvious he’s changed. He doesn’t do any weird, highly inappropriate things anymore, but he still flirts like there’s no tomorrow.

Unlike the first few times they had met up, Mo is actually pretty relaxed. Pissed, because He Tian is late, but relaxed nonetheless. He isn’t worried about the guy just ditching him anymore.

It's almost scary how hard he was trying, actually, texting him approximately a hundred times a day and letting him know about anything and everything he's doing.

Getting his number instead of stalking him or contacting his mother every time had taken about a month in itself, and Mo had really only caved for conveniency reasons. He felt sorry for his mother, and got paranoid about seeing He Tian everywhere he goes.

As it turns out, his mother actually talked to He Tian back when Mo saw him at the hospital. (He Tian still refuses to tell him why he was actually there, and claims he’s too upset to talk about where he had been all those years, but they were getting there.) It was how he had found out about how Mo actually had hated the fact that he left – even though Mo never admitted it again after that little outburst – and it was the reason why he had found him that day at the coffee shop.

Today though, the roles are reversed. It's Mo standing there, waiting for the asshole to finally show up.

When he does, it almost looks like he doesn’t even care about having left him waiting for 15 minutes. Instead, he approaches with the grin, that hasn’t changed since they were kids, decorating his lips.

“Hey, handsome,” he greets, and Mo does everything he can to not curse him out immediately. He can’t stop himself from rolling his eyes though.

He Tian leans in as he grabs the coffee, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Again, self-control is the key here. Sadly, a blush spreads across his cheeks, which makes He Tian pull away with an even more satisfied expression.

They aren’t together, of course, but He Tian is trying everything in his power to woo him – surprisingly gently at that. It has never been more than a kiss on the cheek, a hug, or an eventual brush of their hands.

“So, how about you finally go on that date with me next week?” He Tian suggests, “You know I love your mother, but it’s hard to make you fall for me when I got less than ten minutes alone with you every time.”

And he’s right. Mo never spends more time alone with him than necessary. The reason for that is simple. He’s scared. He still isn’t sure if he can trust him. He’s proud enough so far of admitting that to himself. After all, he’s trying hard to make progress.

So, this time, he looks over at him, sees He Tian’s curious expression and shrugs. “Friday in two weeks. I’ll choose a place. You pay.”

The shock on He Tian’s face makes it worth the risk. The smile that follows after, makes all of this worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Lmk if you found any mistakes, thanks <3


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